I grew up in a home where my mother always wanted something for her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Anniversary, etc. And, like all daughters out there, I followed in my mother's footsteps. I too wanted something on those special days and looked forward to marriage when my husband would want to buy me little trinkets in celebration of those days. Then, I got married...and reality set in.
A few months after our wedding, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. Thus, we celebrated our first Christmas and Anniversary oceans apart. Also during that time we gave birth to our firstborn and my husband was able to come home and witness our little miracle. While all this was going on, my husband didn't buy me one thing to celebrate the birth of our child, Christmas, or our first Anniversary. He did, however, send me a giant fortune cookie with a personalized message. Super sweet, but I chose not to focus on his generosity. Instead, I turned my attention to all he didn't do.
While he was deployed he also went on to miss giving me something for my birthday and for Valentine's Day. He did, however, make it a point to call me on each of these special occasions and to call me almost every day of his deployment. But, I still ignored what he did do and chose to focus on what he did not do.
As time went on, I started to realize that my husband really didn't care about receiving gifts. Thus, it wasn't important to give gifts in return. I figured he needed to know how much I wanted something, so I would remind him as days grew closer to a holiday that I expected a present. The result, my husband came to dread December through February when he was "expected" to buy me the perfect gift at least once a month and sometimes twice! And, I found myself being disappointed because I didn't love the gift he picked out and because I had to remind him in the first place.
Years passed in this same manner and then Christmas 2009 came. I had told my husband that I didn't necessarily want anything, I just wanted him to do something sentimental. This helped him out a ton because he really DID NOT have the time to go shopping in December. But, he still felt like he needed to give me something. So, he traded SIM cards in our cell phones and gave me his new cell phone he had enjoyed fiddling with for the last month. My first thought when opening this package was, "How inconsiderate to give me something that's already used and requires no effort or thought!" Luckily I didn't say anything. Then, after some time had passed I told my husband I didn't want his phone. He truly loved his phone and I didn't want to take it from him. My husband's subsequent reaction was my own little light bulb moment. He was DEVASTATED! He felt horrible for not giving me a gift and I realized the true effect of my behavior throughout our marriage. I realized how much he truly loved me. He knew how much I hated my outdated cell phone and how unwilling I am to buy a new one when the old one still works. So, he gave me his phone in return, no matter how much he loved it. I realized that I had allowed a wedge to grow between us because of my expectations and unwillingness to focus on all the good my husband did do. And, above all, I realized how I had allowed things...yes THINGS...to come between something so beautiful and special, my eternal relationship with my husband.
Since then I have tried to respond in a loving way, without expectations. I have tried to focus on all my husband is doing to show his love for me. Our Anniversary came, without a present. He did, though, take the day off and spent it with me. We had a wonderful breakfast together without our children and spent the rest of the day remembering the good days.
Between our Anniversary and my birthday I chose to focus again on what my husband was NOT doing and life was difficult. I awoke the morning of my birthday expecting to be disappointed again. I heard my husband open the garage door and assumed we had some snow that needed shoveling. He didn't come back in for a while and when he did he spent the time banging around in the kitchen and eating breakfast. When he came up to say goodbye before work, he told me he was sorry, but he didn't have the time to take my cake out of the oven and could I do it for him. I was surprised he had thought of me even before I got out of bed. When I went downstairs I discovered the true reason for his early morning garage door opening....he had gone to the grocery store in search of eggs to make my birthday cake! That's when my heart completely melted and I remembered my forgotten goal to focus on all he DOES do. I was grateful that even though he really hates shopping, especially grocery shopping, he went shopping for eggs for MY cake. That night we all went out and celebrated at a restaurant and I didn't even have to worry about cooking.
Then, Valentine's Day came. I gave my husband a Mod Podged Rubix cube with wedding and engagement photos of us (I found the idea at alittletipsy.com) and some homemade fortune cookies. (If you're wondering about the fortune cookie theme, we've just had some awesome fortunes come "true" ever since we started dating, so we love them). When I gave the gifts to my husband he was yet again disappointed that he had not thought to get me something. He spent the day at church in lots of different meetings, so we really didn't have a lot of time together. Then, he came home. I had been feeling sick and he offered to cook dinner. I dislike cooking dinner so much that I love it anytime my husband offers to do it for me! The best part is that he remembered that I like to have my Mom's meatloaf in a heart shape for Valentine's dinner. So, he had me help with the recipe and he continued our family tradition. What a sweety!
Today we went and toured a chocolate factory as a family. In their store they had a sign offering to help husband's get out of the doghouse with a 40% discount off their boxed chocolates. We had a good laugh over the sign and my husband even offered to buy me a box of chocolates. I'm still feeling a little sick, though, and they just weren't appealing, so I turned him down. How grateful I am that my husband is not in the doghouse because he never bought me something. I enjoy having him cuddle up next to me instead!
So, here is my call to whomever reads this post out in blogland. Let's all join together in a fight to keep our husband's out of the doghouse and to end our Valentine's Day whining! Let's choose as women to strengthen our marriages by focusing on what our husbands do instead of what they don't do. Those special days, those Christmases, those anniversaries, those birthdays, are meant to bring us closer together, to make us love each other more, not less. So on these days, let us CHOOSE to love and not to be disappointed.
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