Old Testament

At the beginning of the year I set a goal to read the Old Testament.  I only had to read a few pages a day to finish by the end of the year, so I figured it would be pretty manageable.  Then, we were challenged to read the Book of Mormon during the summer, so my Old Testament reading was put on hold.  When I started reading again, I had to read quite a few pages to be able to finish by the end of the year.  I started taking my Bible around in my car and reading it when I was waiting to pick up my daughter at the bus stop.  With my morning reading and this extra reading, I was able to accomplish my goal.  I finished the Old Testament this morning.  I decided to post about some of my thought and impressions I've received while reading in the Old Testament this year.

First, I am grateful for an institute teacher who encouraged me to mark all the footnotes that give alternate translations from Hebrew and Greek versions of the Bible, that explain the idioms used, that give the Joseph Smith Translation, and that give other words to clarify the meaning.  Because I took the time to mark my Old Testament this year, whenever I came to a passage with such a footnote, I could look down and read the explanations.  It really helped me understand the Old Testament better and with these markings, reading Isaiah was actually interesting!

Second, I am amazed at how often the people in the Old Testament were told to change and come unto the Lord and He would bless them.  If they didn't, He would curse them.  Often they chose not to listen.  I've thought a lot this year about how I do the same thing.  I know the way I need to live my life.  I know I need to be more forgiving, less judgmental, more kind, and to reach out more often to those in need.  But, I often convince myself that I don't have the time, that now is the time to focus on my children.  I continue to harbor ill feelings towards people, even though I know I need to see them as children of God and treat them accordingly.  I have been taught by my Lord and Savior how to love others and I choose not to live that way.  I guess sometimes I look at the people in the scriptures and think, "Why didn't you listen so your life could be better?"  I really should be thinking, "How am I not listening to the prophets today?  What could I be changing in my life today to make it better?  What do I need to be doing to soften my heart and not letting it turn to stone?"

Third, I LOVE the last few chapters of the Old Testament.  They apply to our day and have some wonderful prophecies for when Christ comes again. 

I am grateful I took this opportunity to read the Old Testament.  Though it was discouraging at times, and hard to understand, I learned a lot about the history of the House of Israel and gained insight into things I need to be doing better in my life.

Hope

This week I miscarried for the third time.  I was only five and a half weeks along, so it wasn't as difficult as some of my past miscarriages.  I think the best part about this miscarriage, in comparison to my past miscarriages, is that I still have hope.  I have hope that we will be able to carry another child to full term.  I have hope that we won't have to try for three years to have a baby like we did the last time.  And I have hope that the emotional upheaval of this process will not be as damaging to my marital relationship as it has been in the past.  I just have HOPE that all will be okay and FAITH that it is all in the Lord's hands and He will work things out for my good.

It is amazing the difference a change of attitude can make.  I did not have hope after my last two miscarriages and they were DEVASTATING!  I allowed the difficult time to really put myself and my family through the ringer.  I didn't understand why the Lord didn't care about my heartache and give me a baby right away.  I didn't understand why my husband didn't understand how difficult this was for me and why he wasn't more sympathetic.  And, I didn't understand why everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant around me and I couldn't even have a second child. 

Life really was quite the pity party for me.  What changed my attitude?  I realized that the Lord wasn't going to bless me with a child until I learned my lesson and part of that lesson was accepting His timing.  I went through a lot of humbling experiences in the process and eventually came to the conclusion that when it was right, I would be blessed with another child.  Apparently part of that timing was my husband finishing school, finding a job, and buying a house.  We were pregnant shortly after all of those things happened and we even delivered a healthy little girl 9 months later!

Now I am starting the process over and I have decided that this time around I am going to rely on the Lord more and try with all I have in me to not give into the woe is me.  And the thing I hope for most this time around?  I HOPE that I will be able to stay positive and trust in the Lord throughout this entire process, even if it is another 3 years or even more.

The End of Valentine's Day Whining

I grew up in a home where my mother always wanted something for her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Anniversary, etc. And, like all daughters out there, I followed in my mother's footsteps. I too wanted something on those special days and looked forward to marriage when my husband would want to buy me little trinkets in celebration of those days. Then, I got married...and reality set in.

A few months after our wedding, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. Thus, we celebrated our first Christmas and Anniversary oceans apart. Also during that time we gave birth to our firstborn and my husband was able to come home and witness our little miracle. While all this was going on, my husband didn't buy me one thing to celebrate the birth of our child, Christmas, or our first Anniversary. He did, however, send me a giant fortune cookie with a personalized message. Super sweet, but I chose not to focus on his generosity. Instead, I turned my attention to all he didn't do.

While he was deployed he also went on to miss giving me something for my birthday and for Valentine's Day. He did, however, make it a point to call me on each of these special occasions and to call me almost every day of his deployment. But, I still ignored what he did do and chose to focus on what he did not do.

As time went on, I started to realize that my husband really didn't care about receiving gifts. Thus, it wasn't important to give gifts in return. I figured he needed to know how much I wanted something, so I would remind him as days grew closer to a holiday that I expected a present. The result, my husband came to dread December through February when he was "expected" to buy me the perfect gift at least once a month and sometimes twice! And, I found myself being disappointed because I didn't love the gift he picked out and because I had to remind him in the first place.

Years passed in this same manner and then Christmas 2009 came. I had told my husband that I didn't necessarily want anything, I just wanted him to do something sentimental. This helped him out a ton because he really DID NOT have the time to go shopping in December. But, he still felt like he needed to give me something. So, he traded SIM cards in our cell phones and gave me his new cell phone he had enjoyed fiddling with for the last month. My first thought when opening this package was, "How inconsiderate to give me something that's already used and requires no effort or thought!" Luckily I didn't say anything. Then, after some time had passed I told my husband I didn't want his phone. He truly loved his phone and I didn't want to take it from him. My husband's subsequent reaction was my own little light bulb moment. He was DEVASTATED! He felt horrible for not giving me a gift and I realized the true effect of my behavior throughout our marriage. I realized how much he truly loved me. He knew how much I hated my outdated cell phone and how unwilling I am to buy a new one when the old one still works. So, he gave me his phone in return, no matter how much he loved it. I realized that I had allowed a wedge to grow between us because of my expectations and unwillingness to focus on all the good my husband did do. And, above all, I realized how I had allowed things...yes THINGS...to come between something so beautiful and special, my eternal relationship with my husband.

Since then I have tried to respond in a loving way, without expectations. I have tried to focus on all my husband is doing to show his love for me. Our Anniversary came, without a present. He did, though, take the day off and spent it with me. We had a wonderful breakfast together without our children and spent the rest of the day remembering the good days.

Between our Anniversary and my birthday I chose to focus again on what my husband was NOT doing and life was difficult. I awoke the morning of my birthday expecting to be disappointed again. I heard my husband open the garage door and assumed we had some snow that needed shoveling. He didn't come back in for a while and when he did he spent the time banging around in the kitchen and eating breakfast. When he came up to say goodbye before work, he told me he was sorry, but he didn't have the time to take my cake out of the oven and could I do it for him. I was surprised he had thought of me even before I got out of bed. When I went downstairs I discovered the true reason for his early morning garage door opening....he had gone to the grocery store in search of eggs to make my birthday cake! That's when my heart completely melted and I remembered my forgotten goal to focus on all he DOES do. I was grateful that even though he really hates shopping, especially grocery shopping, he went shopping for eggs for MY cake. That night we all went out and celebrated at a restaurant and I didn't even have to worry about cooking.

Then, Valentine's Day came. I gave my husband a Mod Podged Rubix cube with wedding and engagement photos of us (I found the idea at alittletipsy.com) and some homemade fortune cookies. (If you're wondering about the fortune cookie theme, we've just had some awesome fortunes come "true" ever since we started dating, so we love them). When I gave the gifts to my husband he was yet again disappointed that he had not thought to get me something. He spent the day at church in lots of different meetings, so we really didn't have a lot of time together. Then, he came home. I had been feeling sick and he offered to cook dinner. I dislike cooking dinner so much that I love it anytime my husband offers to do it for me! The best part is that he remembered that I like to have my Mom's meatloaf in a heart shape for Valentine's dinner. So, he had me help with the recipe and he continued our family tradition. What a sweety!

Today we went and toured a chocolate factory as a family. In their store they had a sign offering to help husband's get out of the doghouse with a 40% discount off their boxed chocolates. We had a good laugh over the sign and my husband even offered to buy me a box of chocolates. I'm still feeling a little sick, though, and they just weren't appealing, so I turned him down. How grateful I am that my husband is not in the doghouse because he never bought me something. I enjoy having him cuddle up next to me instead!

So, here is my call to whomever reads this post out in blogland. Let's all join together in a fight to keep our husband's out of the doghouse and to end our Valentine's Day whining! Let's choose as women to strengthen our marriages by focusing on what our husbands do instead of what they don't do. Those special days, those Christmases, those anniversaries, those birthdays, are meant to bring us closer together, to make us love each other more, not less. So on these days, let us CHOOSE to love and not to be disappointed.

Teaching Primary and Such

I was called to serve in the Primary a couple of months ago. I must admit I wasn't very excited about my calling. I knew, though, that if I was to do what the Lord wanted me to do that I would need to change my attitude. Today, as I was looking at the back of my daughter's Friend magazine, I realized that there were some helps for dealing with children in primary. You can find these same helps by following this link:

http://lds.org/pa/display/0,17884,5812-1,00.html

I did the lessons in loving and understanding the children today. While watching these lessons it reminded me of my time on my mission. I realized that on my mission I was constantly praying for and thinking about those I was teaching. I worried about them and wondered how I could teach them the doctrines of the gospel. I realized that I haven't even been thinking about the children I teach during the week. Instead, I wake up Sunday morning, hurry and plan my lesson, and go off to church, hoping they will listen to my lesson. I need to be better. I need to take the time to read my lesson the week ahead. Then, I need to think about how I can teach the lesson to MY class, thinking of their personalities and knowldege of the gospel.

So, after taking those little mini classes, I then went on to read my lesson for next week. I actually took the time to look up the scriptures and read them. Usually I just look at the lesson manual and ignore the scriptures until I get to class and then I have the children read them (great example, huh?!!)

Anyways, my lesson next week is on how the first pioneers paved the way to the Salt Lake Valley. I was reading in Doctrine & Covenants 136 where it talks about the organizing of the Saints to move West. I loved the whole reading! I think my favorite verse, though, was 29: "If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful." I loved this verse because I often find myself having little pity parties. But, I know that if I turn to the Lord in prayer that my sorrow can be replaced with joy.

I am so glad I actually took the time to read the scriptures for my lesson today. I needed to know what they taught before I had my children read them aloud.

Keep on Reading

I've been visiting my parents this week, so it's been a little difficult to keep up my reading schedule. Today I was able to sit and read in the Book of Mormon for quite a while. It was refreshing. I think my favorite verse, or part of a verse, was 2 Nephi 9:51. Jacob is talking to the Nephites and he tells them that they should "feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness." I LOVE that it tells us that our souls should delight in fatness. Bring on the Cake!! :) What I really like about this verse is that it tells us we should feast on the scriptures and on the word of God until we are FaT, not just until we are filled. I need to just be devouring the word of God like I consumed all sorts of fattening things when I was pregnant. And, as I eat myself into scripture heaven, I should delight in it. It just gives me a whole different perspective on scripture study. I shouldn't dread it, I should delight in it. And, I shouldn't stop after I've received the one spiritual prompting for the day, I should just keep on reading until I am truely delighting in the fatness of the Spirit.

Reading of the Book of Mormon

I set a goal last week to finish the Book of Mormon by the end of the year. I have noticed that I have been struggling lately with feeling the Spirit and realized I haven't been as diligent with scripture study. So, I am trying to be a little more diligent. I figured that if I read in the Book of Mormon and posted my impressions here, then it would help me work harder and hopefully achieve my goal. So, here goes...

This week I have been trying to read 8 pages a day. For those of you who are mothers of young children, you can appreciate how difficult this can be at times. I've found that for me, the best thing to do is to read early in the morning and try to finish before my daughters wake up.

Today I was reading in 2 Nephi chapters 1-4. I have loved 2 Nephi 4 for many years. I love it because it is the only time you hear Nephi really speak of his difficulties. Yet, even in writing of his weaknesses, he makes it a point to then say in verse 19, "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." Nephi then goes on to speak of the many blessings he received at the Lord's hand

This chapter reminds me of the need to focus on all my Father has given me. Like Nephi, I too have struggled with different things. My life is not always easy. But, like Nephi I also have experienced a lot of blessings. I am blessed with a wonderful husband and two beautiful girls. I have the privilege of staying home and raising these girls. I get to see them grow and change. My husband has a job during these difficult economic times and we have money to pay for all our needs. I could just keep going, naming all the blessings the Lord has seen fit to give me. I think I'll end, though, remembering that despite all my hard times, I know that the Lord is there to help and guide me.